Wednesday, December 9, 2009

No Regrets...

My goal is to always live life with no regrets. Has this always happened, honestly no. But I try and make it my mission every day. I want to live full throttle and do everything God has gifted me to do, accomplish everything He gives me to do, dream every dream and just be everything He created me to become.

There is so much peace in this lifestyle. I still cry at night sometimes thinking about Dad and wish our relationship could have been different. But it wasn't and there was no way I could change a lifetime of 46 years in 2 and one half months. And it was never my goal to hurt him. I truly wanted to just get to know him better to try and understand why he did some of the things that he did. So I didn't ask the hard questions and I may never know the real answers. For now, I just make up the answers.

That last night we spent together, as I sat by his bed changing the channels on the tv for him when he couldn't push the buttons himself, I really, really wanted to ask him...."Dad, you never told me, but I know it's true....I was always your favorite right?!" I still chuckle in my head as I think about it. I almost said it out loud. Please understand that this is not meant as anything negative toward any sibling. It is just that inside of me, there is and always was this desire to be a Daddy's girl. I so wanted his love and approval, that I have spent my life being a man pleaser.

I can truly reflect back on a lot of decisions that could of, should of been different and realize that the reason I made the choice that I did was to please some man along the way. Wow! I have realized some of this before and vowed to change but change is really hard especially when it comes to bad habits that have continued way too long. I have often denied my personal feelings and neglected needs to gain the approval of a man.

No more! No more I say will I live to please anyone other than God, my Father, my Savior, my Everything. It is after all HIS approval that truly matters. When this life of mine is passed and done, it is HE that I shall stand before and so desire to hear say, "Well done good and faithful servant." I want to see the look of love in HIS eyes and know that I am home and know that HE is well pleased with all that I have done.

Gotta print that Reba Mc Entire song here:

Reba McEntire...The Greatest Man I Never Knew

The greatest man I never knew
Lived just down the hall
And everyday we said hello
But never touched at all
He was in his paper
I was in my room
How was I to know he thought I hung the moon

The greatest man I never knew
Came home late every night
He never had too much to say
Too much was on his mind
I never really knew him
And now it seems so sad
Everything he gave to us took all he had

Then the days turned into years
And the memories to black and white
He grew cold like an old winter wind
Blowing across my life

The greatest words I never heard
I guess I'll never hear
The man I thought would never die
S'been dead almost a year
He was good at business
But there was business left to do
He never said he loved me
Guess he thought I knew

I am glad that I can say that he did finally tell me that he loved me unprompted by me. I don't think that I ever left a visit that he didn't say I love you. I made sure to kiss his cheek and tell him how I felt. Glad to know that the last words spoken between us were words of love. It's hard to comprehend that he is really gone for now. I am thankful that I will see him again one day!

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Another Prayer Answered

So I worked this week on Tuesday and Friday. What a surprise when I arrived Tuesday and he had already filled my position. She appears to be a very nice lady and works two other jobs as well. She also has two almost grown children. She worked with me both days and I can leave with peace now. I am definitely leaving him in a better position than when I arrived. I can't say I have not made any mistakes because I know that I am not perfect but I have done my best. And hopefully I have made a positive impact. Thanks for praying....God always hears and answers...
So now it is on with life and the next adventure. Not sure what lies ahead but I know that God will guide and direct my path. Have you ever experienced that question in your heart, am I doing all that I am suppose to do? I understand that God leads and guides. Some times I just question my ability to hear what He is saying. When I look back at some of the decisions I have made, I know that I prayed and sincerely sought His will and way, so how did I go so wrong? Would love to hear your thoughts!

Monday, July 13, 2009

Quitin Time

So I gave my notice and only have two weeks left. My prayer is that these next two weeks are uneventful other than accomplishing a lot of work. He does not appear to be accepting my resignation. He thinks he is the best employer, blah, blah, blah. So if you get a chance and God lays it on your heart, would you please just pray. Pray that I can conduct myself in a manner that is honoring my Lord. I feel so much anxiety when I am there and so defensive some times things come out of my mouth that should not. I just want to finish the task that I came to do, and get all of his tax information together and be done!

Wednesday, June 24, 2009


So I've decided to be content. I am tired of stressing over how things might have been. The past is behind me. It is time to let go and move on... I have lived in this house for a long time...miserable because of the things that needed done but not having the finances or know how to get it changed. God so blessed with a Mr. Fixit that was so reasonably priced. Things are looking SO much better. All that needs done now is the floors and I think they are manageable. Just got back from Home Depot looking at some flooring. Too exciting. Can't wait to finish it up. And the best part is that it is all done without increasing the house payment. Can't beat that!
So I think that means I can quit the third job. Working so much is really stressing me out. I feel like all I do is work. Here it is almost the end of June and I have only cooked supper once since we returned from our vacation in May. It is really too much. I value the people God has placed in my life more than the money or a new house. So it is relax a while and just be content.

Monday, May 18, 2009


Aaahhhhh...I love the sound of the waves....the smell of the ocean....the breeze.... I have looked forward to this week with much anticipation. This past year, actually two years, have been tough. But God is faithful and once again HE has shown up. Ask and HE will answer. This week at the beach, I took with me two books, Nightmares Echo and Beauty for Ashes. God spoke to me through both books. I keep letting my past hinder my present. But I am thankful that I am on the road to recovery. Part of the healing is realizing and then with much prayer God will bless. Even as I was reading this week, I came under attack by a previous oppressor in my life. My initial response was the same fear and paralyzing of my brain. I could not even respond but just went into withdrawal. God has blessed me with such wonderful Gigs(girlfriends in God). I called one on the phone and she was in the perfect place to pray with me over the phone. As she prayed, the curtain of fear was lifted and I realized that the enemy was gaining ground with my fear. It was not the appropriate response. God is bigger than my enemy and HE will prevail. In the book, Beauty for Ashes, Joyce Meyer talks about all of the doors we pass through during our period of oppression and how God has to take us back through those same doorways to deliver us from their hold. So I know which door this one is and I want victory, not revenge. As I continued in my other study, God spoke about letting HIM vindicate. So I've given it to HIM and am trusting HIM to deliver and work. His peace is flooding my soul. What a wonderful way to end a vacation...and I still have a three day weekend! Thank you Jesus!

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

I want to stay here...

So I started this new bible study a week ago with a group of ladies at church. It is a Beth Moore study, Stepping UP. And to quote Beth, "The way up with GOD is DOWN". To explain this, we have been encouraged to find time EVERY DAY to go down on our FACE before God. What an experience! The difference in perspective...who HE is and who I am in HIS sight. What a change! I love JESUS!
I also have a new motto that I want to hang on my wall.....a friend had a baby and she has this painted and hung above her daughter's bed..."I've met my Prince and his name is Daddy" I thought that was pretty cute but during this study we were reminded what a Prince we have in Jesus. I want to paint it and put it there to see every day....I've been searching and searching and my Prince has been there waiting all see, I've met MY PRINCE....and HIS name is JESUS!

Monday, May 11, 2009

It's time...

We leave Saturday for the annual pilgrimage to the BEACH. I personally can not wait. I think I feel the closest to God there with the sun, sand, and waves. I have a lot to process from this past year and am just looking forward to the God time. I am at such a wonderful place in life right now and I thank GOD for all that HE has done and continues to do for me.
Mother's Day was wonderful. I have so much to be thankful for. We enjoyed family dinner together Saturday night and then Sunday with more family. Shanna and Kylea got me a beautiful necklace with their names and birthstones. We spent time together. Both are doing very well in college! I have been blessed with two beautiful daughters of which I could not be more proud.
Life is so good!

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Behind The Scenes

Mom never updates on here, so I feel like this is my second blog. Haha!