My goal is to always live life with no regrets. Has this always happened, honestly no. But I try and make it my mission every day. I want to live full throttle and do everything God has gifted me to do, accomplish everything He gives me to do, dream every dream and just be everything He created me to become.
There is so much peace in this lifestyle. I still cry at night sometimes thinking about Dad and wish our relationship could have been different. But it wasn't and there was no way I could change a lifetime of 46 years in 2 and one half months. And it was never my goal to hurt him. I truly wanted to just get to know him better to try and understand why he did some of the things that he did. So I didn't ask the hard questions and I may never know the real answers. For now, I just make up the answers.
That last night we spent together, as I sat by his bed changing the channels on the tv for him when he couldn't push the buttons himself, I really, really wanted to ask him...."Dad, you never told me, but I know it's true....I was always your favorite right?!" I still chuckle in my head as I think about it. I almost said it out loud. Please understand that this is not meant as anything negative toward any sibling. It is just that inside of me, there is and always was this desire to be a Daddy's girl. I so wanted his love and approval, that I have spent my life being a man pleaser.
I can truly reflect back on a lot of decisions that could of, should of been different and realize that the reason I made the choice that I did was to please some man along the way. Wow! I have realized some of this before and vowed to change but change is really hard especially when it comes to bad habits that have continued way too long. I have often denied my personal feelings and neglected needs to gain the approval of a man.
No more! No more I say will I live to please anyone other than God, my Father, my Savior, my Everything. It is after all HIS approval that truly matters. When this life of mine is passed and done, it is HE that I shall stand before and so desire to hear say, "Well done good and faithful servant." I want to see the look of love in HIS eyes and know that I am home and know that HE is well pleased with all that I have done.
Gotta print that Reba Mc Entire song here:
Reba McEntire...The Greatest Man I Never Knew
The greatest man I never knew
Lived just down the hall
And everyday we said hello
But never touched at all
He was in his paper
I was in my room
How was I to know he thought I hung the moon
The greatest man I never knew
Came home late every night
He never had too much to say
Too much was on his mind
I never really knew him
And now it seems so sad
Everything he gave to us took all he had
Then the days turned into years
And the memories to black and white
He grew cold like an old winter wind
Blowing across my life
The greatest words I never heard
I guess I'll never hear
The man I thought would never die
S'been dead almost a year
He was good at business
But there was business left to do
He never said he loved me
Guess he thought I knew
I am glad that I can say that he did finally tell me that he loved me unprompted by me. I don't think that I ever left a visit that he didn't say I love you. I made sure to kiss his cheek and tell him how I felt. Glad to know that the last words spoken between us were words of love. It's hard to comprehend that he is really gone for now. I am thankful that I will see him again one day!